If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
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Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.