A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
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I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“No way.” -Jose
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.