Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
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Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?