I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
You Might Also Like
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Barbie gone wild
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!