The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
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I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
He wanted to make sure😂
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please