The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
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I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?