I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
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Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I created you as mosquito food.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …