If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
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5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Anyone really