Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
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Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.