I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
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An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Cool shirt 🙂
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)