To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
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Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Bread puns are on the rise!
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons