Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
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Playdough smells better than other philosophers
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
man: wait
time: no
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start