Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
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when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS