Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
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Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
This made me smile…
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…