My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
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Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.