BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
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Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
RT if you know someone like this!!!
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.