If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
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I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
can’t bark with your mouth full
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.