The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
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So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
My five year plan is a meteorite
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend