*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
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It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
the battle rages on
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.