Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
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If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
This is what makes twitter great
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”