woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
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I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”