Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?