[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
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My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*