I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
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I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”