I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
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Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
mechanics be like
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*