I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
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waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.