At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
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[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon