I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
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How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
live long and prosper!
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Home #decor warning.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
When your parents check you’re ok.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
A roof is a house hat.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.