Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
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[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Bruh PLEASE
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
what
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.