[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
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I鈥檓 not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
not taking the vaccine in case there鈥檚 a U2 album in it
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you鈥檙e mainlining Lysol.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I鈥檓 the nicest person alive
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that鈥檚 what cell phones are for
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Punish millennials by making a Three鈥檚 Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 馃檨
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Can鈥檛 wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I hope Alan is OK
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Legend states that when you鈥檙e in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I鈥檓 sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I鈥檝e snogged patio doors.