If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
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If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.