Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
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[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
How does one answer this?
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.