i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
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You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
liiiiiiiiike
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar