Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
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I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Left at a local drug store…
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.