at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
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I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*