[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
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Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Get off my horse you stupid moon
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe