OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out