When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
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[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
This makes total sense…
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
I’ve had worse
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes