As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
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Put a ring on it
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
B
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
#titanic
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.