I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
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(True)
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*