This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
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“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look