I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
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@ candidates for local office
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.