*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
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Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean