Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
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Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different