The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
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Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Happy thanksgiving
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.