Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
You Might Also Like
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.