10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
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[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
Weirdos gonna weird.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love