All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
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ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
same bro
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion