Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
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It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain