Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
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Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Unexpected Judgment
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t